Using Humor for Improved Health

Humor: Irish Priest in Ireland

2011-06-29T12:31:00.004-05:00

AN IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked
to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at
St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me
front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied
with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment........................

Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin.''

Enjoy today and laugh a little!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Halloween Joke

2010-10-31T14:13:00.003-05:00

Halloween Joke:

An old man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:Bump....BUMP...BUMP....Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his... home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him...FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,

The coffin stops.

Happy Halloween,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Lipstick Lessons

2010-08-06T06:37:00.006-05:00

Lipstick Lesson

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers ... and then there are educators.

Keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor and a Bottle of Wine

2010-04-20T22:16:00.001-05:00

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'....

Blessings for today,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor in the Doctor's Office

2010-04-06T20:51:00.002-05:00

A man sees a doc for a physical.

The nurse asks: "How much do you weight?" "Oh, about 165", he says. The nurse puts him on a scale, it turns out that his weight is 187. "What is your height?" "Oh, about 6 feet", he says. He turns to be 5'8".

She takes his blood pressure and it turns to be very high.

"High!" the man exc...laims.

"Well, what do you expect? When I came here, I was tall and lanky. Now I am short and fat!"

Snow Shoveling Joke

2010-02-11T20:02:00.002-05:00

Shoveling Snow

December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print.
I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to
worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob Is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again; I didn't realize I would have
to do this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours, I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March, I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.

December 20

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow blade on his truck for the
rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today… And it warmed up to 0!
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.

December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
cleared! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes
my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot! If I
have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him... he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!

December 29

10 more goddammed inches! Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted…

December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?

Keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Preacher Son Jokes

2009-12-28T13:48:00.002-05:00

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whiskey

And a playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a bl essing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the centerfold.

'Lord have mercy..' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'

Spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Old Age Humor at the Pearly Gates

2009-12-20T21:14:00.003-05:00

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because

they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health,

largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day , their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation

and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,

finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,

with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood

to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.

'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like,

and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago eating donuts!'

Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Dental Meditation Humor

2009-12-08T16:47:00.002-05:00

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Joke of the day: Twin Humor

2009-12-06T00:45:00.002-05:00

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Live your life fully today. Laugh, spread joy and be at peace!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Speed Limit of Sex

2009-09-10T22:17:00.001-05:00

What's the speed limit of sex?

Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around

Laugh a lot today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Two Old Ladies

2009-08-28T18:57:00.003-05:00

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said,"Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can)through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."

Let's laugh at ourselves today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor: Mime Your Business

2009-08-11T15:54:00.001-05:00

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Have a ball today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor: Life Stages with George Carlin

2009-07-29T09:25:00.002-05:00

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone..

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2 Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge .

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9... Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Enjoy the joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Men Are Happier People

2009-07-11T11:14:00.003-05:00

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

*Your last name stays put.
*The garage is all yours.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*Chocolate is just another snack.
*You can be President.
*You can never be pregnant.

*You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
*You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*The world is your urinal.
*You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt..
*Same work, more pay.
*Wrinkles add character.
*Wedding dress $5000.
*Tux rental-$100.
*People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
*One mood all the time.

*Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

*Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
*You almost never have strap problems in public.
*You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

*You only have to shave your face and neck.
*You can play with toys all your life.
*One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
*You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
*You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
*You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Enjoy your life today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - April Fool's Day Humor

2009-04-01T16:08:00.003-05:00

April Fool's Day Prank: The Left-Handed Whopper

1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.

Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/

Celebrate National Humor Month!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Irish Jokes

2009-03-17T20:35:00.002-05:00

Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Top of the morn'in to you!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Laughing about Courting Humor

2009-03-17T20:06:00.003-05:00

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.

The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"

"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"

"Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"

Laugh alot today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Kids and Driver License Humor

2009-01-28T19:15:00.003-05:00

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

Laugh out loud often!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Funny Kids - Classroom Humor

2009-01-17T18:57:00.004-05:00

Funny Children's Comments To Teachers:

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
__________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
__________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
__________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
__________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Begin each day with a smile!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Children's Humor-Funny Science Answers

2009-01-17T18:48:00.003-05:00

Children's Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contain s the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

How funny life can be!

Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Credit Card Humor

2009-01-09T14:42:00.002-05:00

Credit Card Call

This is a humorous call regarding a credit card account problem from a woman who died prior to the call:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

Enjoy and be joy-filled!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor -Women's Humor With Words

2008-11-28T16:17:00.002-05:00

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ”nothing ” usually end in “ fine ” ..

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever', see #8).

(8) Whatever : This is a woman's way of saying _____ YOU! (insert her favorite explicative in the blank)

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Have a joy-filled day!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor At The Pearly Gates

2008-10-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

A woman named Jane was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a
heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.
She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and
was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Jane! I didn't recognize you!"

Humor-Cat humor

2008-08-26T14:46:00.002-05:00

Job Description for Cats

BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to a rug. Oriental is best, but if not, shag is good.

HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping.

Following are the rules for helping:

When supervising cooking, sit immediately behind the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book--unless you can lie across the book itself.

When your human is working at the computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen, and then lie in human's lap across arms, thereby helping typing in progress no end.

WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human...especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around, and make sure you purr very loudly and 'make bread' on their chest.

LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out...the humans will shower you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.... And don't forget the guests!

Have a Purrrfect Day!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Men Beware of Women's Savvy

2008-08-11T12:25:00.003-05:00

APARTMENT FOR RENT

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.

So he does. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." But on the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:

Dear Madam:

Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that

1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir,

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Laugh Out Loud Today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Swimsuit And Beach Humor

2008-08-07T15:35:00.008-05:00

Feeling a bit insecure changing at the beach?

Not to worry, see this funny, shy guy handle the stress.

Enjoy and laugh a little today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor-Redneck Church Humor

2008-08-05T15:48:00.001-05:00

You Know You're in a Redneck Church -

if ...

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the Purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Men's Humorous Life

2008-08-04T10:19:00.002-05:00

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino,RN

Humor - Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Humor

2008-07-20T15:45:00.005-05:00

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Pardon At The Pearly Gates

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it? Without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

Spread your joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Children's Sayings Are Very Funny

2008-07-10T08:16:00.004-05:00

11 REASONS WE LOVE KIDS............

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?' he asked.

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Humor - How Men Giving Advice Can Be Humorous

2008-07-08T08:44:00.003-05:00

Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here.

The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road
when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
he went into the backyard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much,but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Susie

Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance
can be caused by a variety of faults.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding
the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for
air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps. Ted

Keeping Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Ladies Room Bathroom Humor

2008-07-03T18:12:00.002-05:00

WOMEN’S RESTROOMS

When you have to visit a public “Restroom”, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘The Stance’.

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance”.

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was not toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s till in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s till smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bottom and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper off your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s “Restroom”. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck!’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deals with public “Restrooms”. (Rest?? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the “Restroom” in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you a Kleenex under the door!

Let's keep laughing at ourselves!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Senior Citizens Enjoying Peanut Humor

2008-06-14T08:26:00.004-05:00

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady, " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The
puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

Take time to be with something today and spread the joy!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Teenage Blonde Gets the Last Laugh

2008-06-06T13:53:00.006-05:00

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the teen added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'

Have a joy-filled heart today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Smart Dogs Get The Last Laugh

2008-05-30T11:26:00.002-05:00

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari inAfrica, taking his faithful, elderlyJack Russellnamed Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasingrabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and treachery will always overcome youth and inexperience! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Enjoy your life today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Las Vegas Church Humor

2008-05-29T10:04:00.002-05:00

Las Vegas Churches Accepts gambling
Chips

This may come as a surprise.

To those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the Offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Be Joyful today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Jewish Last Name Humor

2008-05-24T17:52:00.001-05:00

Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe,and decide to meet again in
twenty years to see how they all made out in America. Twenty years pass- The
first man asks the second: 'Nu? How did you do'?

He replies: 'Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to
do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So
I went into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a FORTUNE!'

He turns to the next man and asks: 'Nu? How 'bout you'? He says, 'Well like
you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a
living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg. So I went into the Silver
business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!'

So they both turned to the last man to ask: 'And you? Vat happened to you?'

So the third man said: 'Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to make a
living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor. I said, dats no
good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went to Shul and prayed. I said,
God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.'

The others asked, 'So vat happened?'

The man replied: 'Vats da matter? You never heard of LORD & TAYLOR?

Humor-Tight Skirt On the Bus Joke

2008-05-14T11:03:00.004-05:00

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her sk irt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

Carpe diem...and spread Joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Mother's Day Stories Are Always Funny

2008-05-09T11:22:00.003-05:00

To all the moms...Happy Mother's Day!

Thanks to the mom who shared this story:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.

Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.

And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- State Motto Humor

2008-05-06T19:59:00.006-05:00

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama- Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska- 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona- But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas- Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado- If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut- Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware- We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida- Ask Us About Our Grandkids, And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia- We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii- Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho- More Than Just Potatoes....Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois- There's No "Noise" In Illinois. You Pronuonce The "S", We Smasha You Face
Indiana- 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa- We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas- First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky- Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana- We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine- We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts- Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's, And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan- First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota- 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi- Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri- Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana- Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska- Ask About Our State Motto Contest (Our Corn Is Huskier Than Yours)
Nevada- Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire- Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey- You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico- Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York- You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina- Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota- We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio- At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma- Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon- Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania- Cook With Coal
Rhode Island- We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina- Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota- Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee- Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Texas- Se Hable Ingles
Utah- Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont- Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia- Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington- Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia- One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin- May The Cheese Be With You!
Wyoming- Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared

Live Joyfully and with Passion!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Motorcycle Tool Guide Humor

2008-05-03T09:30:00.005-05:00

Motorcycle Tool Guide

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.

Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.

Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"

Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.

Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.

Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.

Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Live Joyfully with Passion,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Motorcycle Humor

2008-05-01T16:18:00.002-05:00

Motorcycle wisdom of the road

Midnight bugs taste best.

Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.

Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.

The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.

Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.

Never mistake horsepower for staying power.

If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.

A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.

Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.

A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.

Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.

Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.

The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.

A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.

There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.

Practice wrenching on your own bike.

Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit

Maintenance is as much art as it is science.

If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.

Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck

There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.

No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.

Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.

Live Joyfully and with Passion,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Married Jokes

2008-04-30T16:20:00.003-05:00

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.. What happened last night?

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son,'So,why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS

Live with passion,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor In Church

2008-04-18T21:33:00.006-05:00

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly:

'Good morning Alex'.

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' - he asked.

The pastor said: - 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

'Which service, the 9:30 or 11:00?

Live Joyfully!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Kids Ask Questions And Moms Create Humorous Answers

2008-04-14T20:14:00.006-05:00

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'

Be well and give a smile to someone behind you today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor In the Gynocology Office

2008-04-13T16:47:00.006-05:00

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
'Bartender, got any specials today?'

Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'

The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'

The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'

Be Jolly Today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Parenting Teens During Old Age Humor

2008-04-11T17:10:00.002-05:00

Grandmother Humor

A Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, hes eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grandaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

Live joyfully and pass it on!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Kosher Computer Humor

2008-04-08T21:51:00.004-05:00

Kosher Computers

You can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:

1) The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

2) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, "Schloffen."

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...

Shalom,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor After Death - Parting Words Turned Into Humorous Action

2008-04-07T20:24:00.005-05:00

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had
three envelopes in his desk drawer that would 'take care' of all of
the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife
opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said 'for the casket'. There was $5,000.00
in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said 'for the expenses' and had $4,000.00 in it
so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said 'for the stone' and had $3,000.00 in it. She
then held her hand out to her friends and said, 'Isn't it beautiful!!!'

Send a smile in someone else's direction today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Dark - Sunrise Humor

2008-04-05T21:10:00.004-05:00

One morning a man got up early to watch the sun rise.
As he sat in the dark it suddenly dawned on him...

Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Venus and Mars - A Closer Look At The Sexes

2008-04-03T08:10:00.003-05:00

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon
and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.
'A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to
eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry'.

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

Make it a joy-filled day,

Donna Marie Laino

April Fool's Day Humor: Liberty Bell Hoax

2008-04-01T22:03:00.004-05:00

On April 1, 1996 a full page ad appeared in six major American newspapers (The Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Dallas Morning News, and USA Today) announcing that the fast food chain Taco Bell had purchased the Liberty Bell. The full text of the ad read:

Taco Bell Buys The Liberty Bell

In an effort to help the national debt, Taco Bell is pleased to announce that we have agreed to purchase the Liberty Bell, one of our country’s most historic treasures.

It will now be called the ”Taco Liberty Bell” and will still be accessible to the American public for viewing. While some may find this controversial, we hope our move will prompt other corporations to take similar action to do their part to reduce the country’s debt.

In a separate press release, Taco Bell explained that the Liberty Bell would divide its time between Philadelphia and the Taco Bell headquarters in Irvine. It compared the purchase to the adoption of highways by corporations.

Taco Bell argued that it was simply “going one step further by purchasing one of the country’s greatest historic treasures.”

The company boasted, “Taco Bell’s heritage and imagery have revolved around the symbolism of the bell. Now we’ve got the crown jewel of bells.”

Origin: Museum of Hoaxes

Happy April Fool's Day!

Donna Marie Laino
Philadelphia, PA

PS The Liberty Bell is safe and sound here in Philadelphia! Keep Smiling!

Humor With Victoria's Secret

2008-03-29T13:58:00.003-05:00

THE NEGLIGEE

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea".

"It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll
do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief!"

"You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.

Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Air: Airport Pilot Breaks Silence With Humor

2008-03-20T17:36:00.005-05:00

While taxiing at London's, Heathrow Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?

Make today joyful,

Donna Marie Laino

Irish Humor

2008-03-18T01:02:00.005-05:00

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Humor Joke of the Day: Aging

2008-03-12T11:55:00.002-05:00

Joke of the day:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:

'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

It is good to laugh at ourselves!

Have a jolly day.

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With The Sexes - Male and Female Humor

2008-02-29T19:50:00.003-05:00

Male or Female?

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

A smile can make your day and someone elses. Keep smiling!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in Old Age: Marriage Humor

2008-02-26T08:07:00.004-05:00

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they w ere ju st fine - they were used to sha ring everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH.'

Keep a amile on your face,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Dogs: If Your Talk Could Talk This Would Be What Humorous Things They Would Say

2008-02-24T13:38:00.008-05:00

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1) Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!

2)Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3)Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4)Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5)Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6)The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7)Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8)Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9)Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10)How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Be kind to your pet. Give your dog a hug today.

Laugh lots too!
Donna Marie Laino

Humor Among the Sexes: Men Understanding Women

2008-02-13T16:51:00.003-05:00

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

And still be afraid of a spider.

To your Health,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Aging: Perks of Being 50- What's So Funny?

2008-02-05T20:23:00.000-05:00

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along w ith elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

Healing is when we can laugh at ourselves!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor The Animal Lover: Cats and Canine Humor

2008-01-26T15:30:00.000-05:00

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pet/s, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (except Terriers and ShihTzu)
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!

Have a joy-filled day,

Donna Marie Laino

Humorous email: Lessons from a wrong email

2008-01-21T16:26:00.000-05:00

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.

So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

Keeping laughing and give yourself permission to be silly,

Donna Marie Laino

Attorney Humor: Humorous Look At Attorneys

2008-01-05T15:56:00.000-05:00

Attorney Humor

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can' t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______ _________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WI TNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Keep Laughing and smiling too!

Donna Marie Laino

Humorous Signs of Aging: Signs of Getting Old

2008-01-03T22:33:00.000-05:00

25 Signs that Your Getting OLD

1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

2. Your back goes out more than you do.

3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.

5. You are proud of your lawn mower.

6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.

7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

8. You sing along with the elevator music.

9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."

14. You send money to PBS.

15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

16. You take a metal detector to the beach.

17. You know what the word "equity" means.

18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

19. Your ears are hairier than your head.

20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.

23. You can go bowling without drinking.

24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

25. Sleeping in the chair becomes part of your bedtime routine.

To your health,

Donna Marie Laino

Holiday Humor: Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah

2007-12-25T16:49:00.000-05:00

Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."

Wishing you the best this holiday season. May you all bring laughter and mirth into your homes and hearts.

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in Church: Kids Humorous Look At Church

2007-12-11T19:55:00.000-05:00

KIDS IN CHURCH

3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.

Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Smile and spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor Quote: God's Sense of Humor

2007-12-03T11:50:00.000-05:00

Humor Quote:

"We human beings are living proof that God has a profound sense of humor"

Sri Barbi Bungo

Keep smiling,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor on the Road - New York Driver Humor

2007-11-18T17:58:00.000-05:00

New York Driving Rules

Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Long Island driver never uses them.
Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you,
or the space will be filled in by somebody else
Putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going With the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful Information.
They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the State Police radar car parked on the Median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the
Beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new Vehicle sales.

Keep on laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the older years

2007-11-15T19:49:00.000-05:00

Old People and Young

An older man was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino

Zoo Humor - Mimes Behind Bars at the Zoo

2007-11-13T23:38:00.000-05:00

A Mime in a Zoo

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Humor Quote on Laughter by Woody Allen

2007-11-03T12:06:00.000-05:00

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

Woody Allen

Got milk?

Here's lookin' at you!

Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Mental Hospital

2007-11-02T12:57:00.000-05:00

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started...

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

Halloween Humor - Jokes To Tickle Your Funny Bone On Halloween

2007-10-31T20:58:00.000-05:00

Halloween Humor

Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
They're afraid of flying off the handle

What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray

What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos

Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie

What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi

When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone

Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line

What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties!

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?
I'm bone to be wild!

Happy Halloween to you all! Make it a boo-ti-ful day!!!

Donna Marie Laino

Laughter Quote: Blessings and Laughter

2007-09-30T07:59:00.000-05:00

"The person who can bring the spirit of Laughter
into a room is indeed blessed" by Bennet Cerf

Create and share your blessings for all today,

Donna Marie Laino

Laughter Quote Of The Day

2007-09-30T07:54:00.000-05:00

"Pain is deeper than all thought; Laughter is higher than all pain."
- Elbert Hubbart

Experience the highest truth...laughter over pain.

Donna Marie Laino

Laughter And The Divine: What Happens To Laugher Over The Year As We Grow

2007-09-30T07:51:00.000-05:00

"Laughter is one of the most divine experiences,
but very few people really laugh.
Their laughter is shallow.
Either it is just intellectual or just a facade or just a formality or just a mannerism,
but it is never total.

If a person can laugh totally, wholeheartedly,
not holding anything back at all,
in that very moment, something tremendous can happen -
because laughter, when it is total,
is absolutely egoless
and that is the only condition
in which to know god, to be egoless.

There are many ways to be egoless
but laughter is the most beautiful way.
Laughter needs no talent.
In fact children laugh more beautifully more totally.
As they grow up, their laughter becomes shallow;
they start holding back,
they start thinking whether to laugh or not to laugh,
or whether it is right in this situation to laugh.

Learn the laughter of small children again
laugh consciously and totally -
and not only at others, at yourself too.
One should never miss an opportunity to laugh.
Laughter is prayer. "

from OSHO

Create laughter in your life,

Donna Marie Laino

Colleagial Humor And The Divine - Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

2007-09-24T21:36:00.000-05:00

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

Learn your lessons well and lift up your spirits with joy in your heart

Donna Marie Laino

Funny Thing About Getting Older - Finding that Age Has Its Own Humor

2007-08-24T11:59:00.000-05:00

Getting Older

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

* I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
* I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Keep laughing and don't worry about the number...it's the experience that counts!

Donna Marie Laino

Lighten Up at Work: Tips To Find Humor

2007-08-06T13:32:00.000-05:00

1. Attitude is everything. In order to lighten up at work you have to expect that it will happen. People sometimes need to allow change to unfold naturally. Keep a clown nose handy to break the ice. Wear it for the next meeting, in the elevator or when walking down the hall.

2. Be spontaneous. Laugh out loud several times a day. Find out what others think is funny and work with the humor people have naturally. Be in good taste. Create a task force to think of ways to lighten up in your office or company. Change your mission statement to include a fun atmosphere.

3. An office that plays together stays together. Have designated breakfast or lunches with a gong show, charades, or any other team event to incorporate a fun activity. Create relays or an obstacle course in the office with items routinely used in your business.

4. Transform areas in the office to enhance the mood you are trying to attain at work. A bulletin board can be easily changed into a baby picture board, joke of the day, funny ads or signs. Keep a “fun” journal or scrapbook. Use your imagination.

5. Create a fun room, corner of the office or an extra desk. Use colors that will stimulate creativity. Include a “fun chest” in the area and fill it with props and costumes. Allow people to play to release stress so they are more productive at work. Even Groucho Marx got some work done around the office.

6. Mark the calendar for fun days like April Fool’s Day, Ground Hog’s Day and Halloween. Create your own monthly or weekly fun days. Pick a “queen/king for a day” with crown and cape and a special chair. Answer each request with “As you wish”. Initiate hat days, ugly tie days, etc. Wear different colored socks. Instead of dress down days, dress up or dress backwards! Be creative!

7. Perform Random Acts of FunninessTM . Think of ways to use your own talents in the workplace to stimulate camaraderie and fun at the same time. Have a standing ovation for people who do mundane things in the office, even the ones who come it late. Clap and sing for birthdays around their desks like they do in restaurants. If all else fails, the whoopee cushion or laughing box always gets a laugh!

Spread the Joy!

Donna Marie Laino

Outragious Living: Living Life To It's Fullest

2007-08-01T12:03:00.000-05:00

"Life is not intended as a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming

"WOW! - What a Ride!"

Woo-Whooooo!!!!!

Take the Ride!

Donna Marie Laino

Laugh at Today's One Liner: Plumber Humor

2007-07-30T13:13:00.000-05:00

Advertisement on the back of a plumber's truck:

A FLUSH BEATS A FULL HOUSE

Be the Joy....Laugh alot!

Donna Marie Laino

Funny Stories of Child Rearing: How Three Year Olds Can Turn Tacos into Humor

2007-07-26T07:51:00.000-05:00

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? This mother's story has a truth that many of us mom's can relate to (and dads!).

My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

Keep Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Humorous Way to Look at Getting Things Done in Your Life

2007-07-19T11:53:00.000-05:00

Couldn’t Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done,
But, he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn’t," but he would be one
Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you’ll never do that;
At least no one has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle it in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "couldn’t be done," and you’ll do it.

by Edgar Albert Guest 1881-1959

Live, Laugh, Celebrate Yourself!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor, Nutrition and Creation - Would you like fries with that?

2007-07-15T16:02:00.000-05:00

In The Beginning,

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the
repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would no have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Laugh out loud today!

Health and Harmony,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in Church - Why Catholics Are Still Laughing

2007-07-09T20:57:00.000-05:00

Secret Catholic Rituals and Code Words

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This information is for Catholics. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew

Keep Laughin'

Donna Marie Laino

A Humorous Side to Zen: The Zen of Sarcasm

2007-06-23T12:31:00.000-05:00

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

To your health!

Donna Marie Laino

A Humorous Look at the American Diet: Humor in the Kitchen

2007-05-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

Humor in the American Diet

Can’t eat Beef….Mad Cow…

Can’t eat Chicken…Bird Flu…

Can’t eat Pork…Trichinosis

Can’t eat Fish…Heavy Metals

Can’t eat Fruit and Veggies…Insecticides and Herbicides

Hmmmmmmm….

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!

To your health! Laugh and Live Longer!

Donna Marie Laino

Humorous Look at the LIfecycle

2007-05-28T11:01:00.000-05:00

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first.

Start out dead and get it out of the way.

You wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy.

You collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol and party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for high school.

You go to primary school.

You become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby.

You then spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday.

And finally...you finish off as an orgasm.

Love, Laugh, Enjoy Today!

Donna Marie Laino

Bored? Celebrate Today with a Silly Day

2007-05-26T12:57:00.000-05:00

Silly Celebration Days

Spice up your work day, home life, kid's day, partner's day or create a "special" day for yourself. When we live life with a purpose it makes every day feel special. Why not get yourself out of the dule-drums or depressed mood and make each day fun.

Here is a list of dates to get you going. Use your imagination and create your day and have fun!

Laugh and Live Longer!

Donna Marie Laino

January

06 Fruit Cake Toss Day
16 Appreciate a Dragon Day
19 Penguin Awareness Day
24 Belly Laugh Day
30 Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
30 Insane Answering Machine Message Day

February

01 Hula in the Coola Day
05 Weatherpersons Day
08 Laugh and Get Rich Day
11 Satisfied Staying Single Day
13 Get a Different Name Day
15 National Gumdrop Day
17 My Way Day
28 National Tooth Fairy Day

March

01 Beer Day
03 I Want You To Be Happy Day
04 March Forth and Do Something Day
08 Fun Facts About People’s Names Day
09 Panic Day
16 Lips Appreciation Day
18 Awkward Moments Day
22 As Young As You Feel Day

April

02 Yo-Yo Day
11 Barbershop Quartet Day
12 Licorice Day
14 Pecan Day
17 Ford Mustang Day
19 Husband Appreciation Day
19 World Cow Chip Day

May

02 Brother/Sister Day
02 Paranormal Day
04 Respect for Chickens Day
12 Limerick Day
13 Mother Ocean Day
15 Nylon Stockings Day
18 Visit Your Relatives Day
23 Sea Turtle Day
25 Tap Dance Day

June

01 National Side Dish Day
02 Dinosaur Day
03 Repeat Day
04 Hug Your Cat Day
07 Boone Day
08 Ice Cream Day
09 Cuddle Up Day
10 Mourn for Your Money Day
13 Kitchen Klutzes of America Day
15 No More T.V. Day
17 Violin Day
18 National Splurge Day
19 Juneteenth Day
20 Talk the Talk Day
21 Less is More Day
22 Be Kind to Stuffed Animals Day
23 Typewriter Day
24 Flying Saucer Day
25 Leon Day
26 Stay-at-home Moms Day
27 Talk Like a Chessy P.I. Day
29 Remote Control Day
30 Meteorite Day

July

02 Halfway Day
03 Air Conditioning Day
04 Oatman Sidewalk Egg Frying Contest
05 Workaholic Day
06 Fweep Day
07 Chocolate Day
08 Ice Cream Sundae Day
09 Rock/Roll Day
10 Lady Godiva
11 Cheer Up Day
12 Simplicity Day
13 Puzzle Day
14 Cow Appreciation Day
14 National Nudist Day
15 No-Hitter Day
16 Talk to a Telemarketer Day
17 15 Minutes of Fame Day
18 Wiener Day
19 Bloomer Day
21 Monkey Day
23 Cutesy-Wootsie Day
24 Opinion Day
25 Carousel Day
26 Footnote Appreciation Day
27 Talk Like a Mad Scientist Day
28 Hamburger Day
29 Final Frontier Day
30 Kiss Your Car Day
31 Fill in the Blanks Day

August

05 Work Like a Dog Day
16 Roller Coaster Day
22 Be an Angel Day
25 Kiss and Make Up Day
26 Rock and Roll Day
28 Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day

September

16 Wife Appreciation Day
19 Talk Like a Pirate Day
23 Chocolate Day
24 Good Neighbor Day

October

02 Universal Children’s Day
04 Toot Your Flute Day
06 World Smile Day
13 World Egg Day
28 Chocolate Day
31 Scare a Friend Day

November

03 Cliché Day
03 Sandwich Day
04 Sadie Hawkins Day
05 Guy Fawkes Day
13 World Kindness Day

December

04 National Dice Day
12 Gingerbread House Day
12 Poinsettia Day
21 Humbug Day
28 Chocolate Day

Picking a pet: Why dogs are better than cats for pets

2007-05-21T13:47:00.000-05:00

Picking a Pet? Choose wisely!

If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section…then buy a dog.

If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you….then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it ... then buy a dog.

If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want... then buy a dog.

If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies….then buy a dog.

If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ..... then buy a dog.

If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually…then buy a dog.

But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness…then buy a cat!

To your health!

Donna Marie Laino

Kid's View of Mothers: Mother's Day Humor

2007-05-14T07:24:00.000-05:00

Why did God make mothers?
These are answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2 Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Happy Mother's Day! Keep Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Funny Baby Boomer Songs: Humor in the Baby Boomer Years

2007-05-11T09:39:00.000-05:00

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

To your health! Keep Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Italian Sicilian Dinner: Memorable Sunday Dinner for the Sicilian Italians

2007-04-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

"THE SICILIAN"

Sunday Dinner for Italians.... Italians have a $40,000 Kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.

There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.

The living room is filled with old wedding favors wrapped with netting and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-Dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can (tomato paste is the except!).

Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and soup.

If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE. If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let them know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.

No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, sneak out a fried meatball and chowed down you'll make up for it next week at confession.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, What more do you want? All the utensil's go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table.

First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni)...change plates. After that, roasted Meats, roasted Potatoes, overcooked vegetables... change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL &VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones).

Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with hard Cookies (Biscotti) to dip in the coffee.

The kids go play...the men go to lay down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen.

Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen, if needed, while you're in the living room.

Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material. Prom hairdo from Cousin Angela...$Free. Turning around at the prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym... PRICELESS!

Ah the Italian life!

Ciao!

Donna Marie Laino

PS It's all true!

Children's View: Why God Made Moms

2007-04-25T12:15:00.000-05:00

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by second grade school children to the following questions:

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff .
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who d id it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Hat Joke: Joke of the Day

2007-04-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

There were two hats sitting on a hat rack. One hat said to the other, "You can stay here, I'm going on a head."

Children: Thought of the Day

2007-04-23T12:12:00.000-05:00

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."

Bill Cosby

Thought for the Day

2007-04-16T10:19:00.000-05:00

"Out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Dogs talking to God: If Dogs Could Talk, What Would They Say?

2007-04-10T11:38:00.000-05:00

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are t here mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my bottom.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?