Burglar Hearing Voices

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'



Be Joyful and smile today!

Donna Marie Laino

Happy Old Lady Weds

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director", she answered.

"Interesting", the newsman thought...He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

"I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go".


Be Joyful!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor: Dental Month Humor

Humor: Irish Priest in Ireland

AN IRISH PRIEST

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas ..

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a
fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked
to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle
of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station......

The conversation went like this:

''Good morning This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?''

''And the best of the day to yerself.. This is Father O'Malley at
St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead on me
front lawn "

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied
with a smirk, ''Well now Father, it was always my impression that
you people took care of the last rites!''

There was dead silence on the line for a moment........................

Then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are
also obliged to notify the next of kin.''



Enjoy today and laugh a little!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Halloween Joke

Halloween Joke:

An old man is walking home alone late one foggy night... when behind him he hears:Bump....BUMP...BUMP....Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his... home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him...FASTER...FASTER...BUMP...BUMP... BUMP...He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clappingclappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP...on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.


Bumping and clapping toward him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,

The coffin stops.



Happy Halloween,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Lipstick Lessons

Lipstick Lesson

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers ... and then there are educators.



Keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor and a Bottle of Wine

THE BOTTLE OF WINE


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'....




Blessings for today,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor in the Doctor's Office

A man sees a doc for a physical.

The nurse asks: "How much do you weight?" "Oh, about 165", he says. The nurse puts him on a scale, it turns out that his weight is 187. "What is your height?" "Oh, about 6 feet", he says. He turns to be 5'8".

She takes his blood pressure and it turns to be very high.

"High!" the man exc...laims.

"Well, what do you expect? When I came here, I was tall and lanky. Now I am short and fat!"

Snow Shoveling Joke

Shoveling Snow


December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print.
I love snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to
worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob Is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again; I didn't realize I would have
to do this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.



December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours, I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March, I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.



December 20

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow blade on his truck for the
rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today… And it warmed up to 0!
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.



December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
cleared! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.



December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes
my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot! If I
have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him... he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!



December 29

10 more goddammed inches! Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted…



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.



January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?



Keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Preacher Son Jokes

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whiskey

And a playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a bl essing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the centerfold.

'Lord have mercy..' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'


Spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Old Age Humor at the Pearly Gates

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because

they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health,

largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day , their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation

and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.






They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,

finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,

with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood

to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.

'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like,

and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago eating donuts!'


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Dental Meditation Humor

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Joke of the day: Twin Humor

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



Live your life fully today. Laugh, spread joy and be at peace!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Speed Limit of Sex

What's the speed limit of sex?

Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around



Laugh a lot today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Two Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said,"Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can)through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."


Let's laugh at ourselves today!


Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor: Mime Your Business

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.




Have a ball today!


Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor: Life Stages with George Carlin

George Carlin's Views on Aging



Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone..

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2 Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge .

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9... Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.



Enjoy the joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Men Are Happier People

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

*Your last name stays put.
*The garage is all yours.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*Chocolate is just another snack.
*You can be President.
*You can never be pregnant.

*You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
*You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*The world is your urinal.
*You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt..
*Same work, more pay.
*Wrinkles add character.
*Wedding dress $5000.
*Tux rental-$100.
*People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
*One mood all the time.

*Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

*Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
*You almost never have strap problems in public.
*You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

*You only have to shave your face and neck.
*You can play with toys all your life.
*One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
*You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
*You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
*You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


Enjoy your life today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - April Fool's Day Humor

April Fool's Day Prank: The Left-Handed Whopper

1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.

Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/



Celebrate National Humor Month!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Irish Jokes

Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!


Top of the morn'in to you!


Donna Marie Laino, RN