Burglar Hearing Voices

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'



Be Joyful and smile today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor and a Bottle of Wine

THE BOTTLE OF WINE


For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

'What's in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade'....




Blessings for today,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor in the Doctor's Office

A man sees a doc for a physical.

The nurse asks: "How much do you weight?" "Oh, about 165", he says. The nurse puts him on a scale, it turns out that his weight is 187. "What is your height?" "Oh, about 6 feet", he says. He turns to be 5'8".

She takes his blood pressure and it turns to be very high.

"High!" the man exc...laims.

"Well, what do you expect? When I came here, I was tall and lanky. Now I am short and fat!"

Humor - Preacher Son Jokes

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whiskey

And a playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a bl essing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the centerfold.

'Lord have mercy..' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'


Spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Dental Meditation Humor

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Kids and Driver License Humor

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'



Laugh out loud often!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor At The Pearly Gates

A woman named Jane was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a
heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.
She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and
was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years?"

God replied, "Jane! I didn't recognize you!"

Humor- Swimsuit And Beach Humor

Feeling a bit insecure changing at the beach?

Not to worry, see this funny, shy guy handle the stress.




Enjoy and laugh a little today!


Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor-Redneck Church Humor

You Know You're in a Redneck Church -



if ...

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the Purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".




Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Men's Humorous Life

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino,RN

Humor - Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Humor

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Pardon At The Pearly Gates


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it? Without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."


Spread your joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Children's Sayings Are Very Funny

11 REASONS WE LOVE KIDS............


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?' he asked.

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Humor - How Men Giving Advice Can Be Humorous

Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns

Dear Ted,

I hope you can help me here.

The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road
when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
he went into the backyard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back.

But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much,but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely, Susie


Dear Susie,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance
can be caused by a variety of faults.

Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding
the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for
air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps. Ted


Keeping Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Ladies Room Bathroom Humor

WOMEN’S RESTROOMS



When you have to visit a public “Restroom”, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘The Stance’.

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance”.

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was not toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s till in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s till smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bottom and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper off your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s “Restroom”. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck!’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deals with public “Restrooms”. (Rest?? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the “Restroom” in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you a Kleenex under the door!



Let's keep laughing at ourselves!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Senior Citizens Enjoying Peanut Humor

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.


She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady, " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The
puzzled driver asks,

"Why do you buy them then?"


The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."




Take time to be with something today and spread the joy!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Teenage Blonde Gets the Last Laugh

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way, ' the teen added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'


Have a joy-filled heart today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Jewish Last Name Humor

Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe,and decide to meet again in
twenty years to see how they all made out in America. Twenty years pass- The
first man asks the second: 'Nu? How did you do'?

He replies: 'Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to
do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So
I went into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a FORTUNE!'

He turns to the next man and asks: 'Nu? How 'bout you'? He says, 'Well like
you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a
living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg. So I went into the Silver
business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!'

So they both turned to the last man to ask: 'And you? Vat happened to you?'

So the third man said: 'Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to make a
living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor. I said, dats no
good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went to Shul and prayed. I said,
God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.'

The others asked, 'So vat happened?'

The man replied: 'Vats da matter? You never heard of LORD & TAYLOR?

Humor-Tight Skirt On the Bus Joke

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her sk irt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."



Carpe diem...and spread Joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Mother's Day Stories Are Always Funny

To all the moms...Happy Mother's Day!


Thanks to the mom who shared this story:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.

Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.

And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.



Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- State Motto Humor

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama- Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska- 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona- But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas- Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado- If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut- Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware- We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida- Ask Us About Our Grandkids, And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia- We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii- Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho- More Than Just Potatoes....Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois- There's No "Noise" In Illinois. You Pronuonce The "S", We Smasha You Face
Indiana- 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa- We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas- First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky- Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana- We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine- We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts- Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's, And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan- First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota- 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi- Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri- Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana- Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska- Ask About Our State Motto Contest (Our Corn Is Huskier Than Yours)
Nevada- Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire- Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey- You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico- Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York- You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina- Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota- We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio- At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma- Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon- Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania- Cook With Coal
Rhode Island- We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina- Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota- Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee- Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Texas- Se Hable Ingles
Utah- Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont- Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia- Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington- Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia- One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin- May The Cheese Be With You!
Wyoming- Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared



Live Joyfully and with Passion!

Donna Marie Laino, RN