Burglar Hearing Voices

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'



Be Joyful and smile today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor - Dental Meditation Humor

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Humor

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Pardon At The Pearly Gates


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."

The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it? Without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."

Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."


Spread your joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Children's Sayings Are Very Funny

11 REASONS WE LOVE KIDS............


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?' he asked.

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Humor- Ladies Room Bathroom Humor

WOMEN’S RESTROOMS



When you have to visit a public “Restroom”, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘The Stance’.

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance”.

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was not toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s till in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s till smaller than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bottom and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper off your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s “Restroom”. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck!’

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deals with public “Restrooms”. (Rest?? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the “Restroom” in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you a Kleenex under the door!



Let's keep laughing at ourselves!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor-Tight Skirt On the Bus Joke

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her sk irt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."



Carpe diem...and spread Joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor In Church

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly:

'Good morning Alex'.

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' - he asked.

The pastor said: - 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.


Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

'Which service, the 9:30 or 11:00?



Live Joyfully!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Kids Ask Questions And Moms Create Humorous Answers

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'


Be well and give a smile to someone behind you today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Parenting Teens During Old Age Humor

Grandmother Humor

A Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, hes eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grandaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."


Live joyfully and pass it on!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Kosher Computer Humor

Kosher Computers


You can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:


1) The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

2) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, "Schloffen."

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...



Shalom,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor After Death - Parting Words Turned Into Humorous Action

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had
three envelopes in his desk drawer that would 'take care' of all of
the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife
opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said 'for the casket'. There was $5,000.00
in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said 'for the expenses' and had $4,000.00 in it
so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said 'for the stone' and had $3,000.00 in it. She
then held her hand out to her friends and said, 'Isn't it beautiful!!!'



Send a smile in someone else's direction today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Dark - Sunrise Humor

One morning a man got up early to watch the sun rise.
As he sat in the dark it suddenly dawned on him...


Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Venus and Mars - A Closer Look At The Sexes

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon
and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'


He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.
'A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to
eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry'.

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'



Make it a joy-filled day,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Victoria's Secret

THE NEGLIGEE

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.

Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea".

"It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll
do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief!"

"You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.


Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino

Irish Humor

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Humor With The Sexes - Male and Female Humor

Male or Female?


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.

They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.


A smile can make your day and someone elses. Keep smiling!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in Old Age: Marriage Humor

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they w ere ju st fine - they were used to sha ring everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered

'THE TEETH.'



Keep a amile on your face,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Dogs: If Your Talk Could Talk This Would Be What Humorous Things They Would Say

Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans


1) Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!

2)Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG

3)Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4)Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!


5)Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6)The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.


7)Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8)Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9)Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10)How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.


Be kind to your pet. Give your dog a hug today.

Laugh lots too!
Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Aging: Perks of Being 50- What's So Funny?

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along w ith elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.


Healing is when we can laugh at ourselves!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor The Animal Lover: Cats and Canine Humor

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!



To pacify you, my dear pet/s, I have posted the following message on our front door:


To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.


Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (except Terriers and ShihTzu)
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!



Have a joy-filled day,

Donna Marie Laino