Humor - Men's Humorous Life

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE


NICKNAMES

* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.


EATING OUT

* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


MONEY

* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.


BATHROOMS

* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.


ARGUMENTS

* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


SUCCESS

* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


MARRIAGE

* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.


DRESSING UP

* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


NATURAL

* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


OFFSPRING

* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!



Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino,RN

Humor - Children's Sayings Are Very Funny

11 REASONS WE LOVE KIDS............


1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!

As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'


2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'


3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.

'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'


4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'

'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'

'Yes, that's right,' I told her.

'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'


6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.

'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.

Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'


7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,

'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?' he asked.

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'


9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'


11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.

'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.

'What have you got there, dear?'

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!

Laughter And The Divine: What Happens To Laugher Over The Year As We Grow

"Laughter is one of the most divine experiences,
but very few people really laugh.
Their laughter is shallow.
Either it is just intellectual or just a facade or just a formality or just a mannerism,
but it is never total.

If a person can laugh totally, wholeheartedly,
not holding anything back at all,
in that very moment, something tremendous can happen -
because laughter, when it is total,
is absolutely egoless
and that is the only condition
in which to know god, to be egoless.

There are many ways to be egoless
but laughter is the most beautiful way.
Laughter needs no talent.
In fact children laugh more beautifully more totally.
As they grow up, their laughter becomes shallow;
they start holding back,
they start thinking whether to laugh or not to laugh,
or whether it is right in this situation to laugh.

Learn the laughter of small children again
laugh consciously and totally -
and not only at others, at yourself too.
One should never miss an opportunity to laugh.
Laughter is prayer. "

from OSHO




Create laughter in your life,

Donna Marie Laino

Children's View: Why God Made Moms

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by second grade school children to the following questions:

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff .
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who d id it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Children: Thought of the Day

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."


Bill Cosby