Humor- Married Jokes

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.. What happened last night?

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son,'So,why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS



Live with passion,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor In Church

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly:

'Good morning Alex'.

'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' - he asked.

The pastor said: - 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.


Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

'Which service, the 9:30 or 11:00?



Live Joyfully!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Kids Ask Questions And Moms Create Humorous Answers

A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'

The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.

The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'

The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'


Be well and give a smile to someone behind you today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor In the Gynocology Office

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
'Bartender, got any specials today?'


Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.


It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'

The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'

The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'


Be Jolly Today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Parenting Teens During Old Age Humor

Grandmother Humor

A Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, hes eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grandaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."


Live joyfully and pass it on!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Kosher Computer Humor

Kosher Computers


You can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:


1) The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.

2) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.

3) The cursor moves from right to left.

4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"

5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."

6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."

7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.

8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, "Schloffen."

9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.

10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).

11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."

12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"

13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"

14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.

16) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."

17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.

18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...



Shalom,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor After Death - Parting Words Turned Into Humorous Action

A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.

When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had
three envelopes in his desk drawer that would 'take care' of all of
the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife
opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.

One the first envelope it said 'for the casket'. There was $5,000.00
in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.

The second envelope said 'for the expenses' and had $4,000.00 in it
so she paid all the bills from the funeral.

The third envelope said 'for the stone' and had $3,000.00 in it. She
then held her hand out to her friends and said, 'Isn't it beautiful!!!'



Send a smile in someone else's direction today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Dark - Sunrise Humor

One morning a man got up early to watch the sun rise.
As he sat in the dark it suddenly dawned on him...


Live Joyfully,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor With Venus and Mars - A Closer Look At The Sexes

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon
and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'


He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.
'A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to
eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry'.

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'



Make it a joy-filled day,

Donna Marie Laino

April Fool's Day Humor: Liberty Bell Hoax

On April 1, 1996 a full page ad appeared in six major American newspapers (The Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Dallas Morning News, and USA Today) announcing that the fast food chain Taco Bell had purchased the Liberty Bell. The full text of the ad read:


Taco Bell Buys The Liberty Bell

In an effort to help the national debt, Taco Bell is pleased to announce that we have agreed to purchase the Liberty Bell, one of our country’s most historic treasures.

It will now be called the ”Taco Liberty Bell” and will still be accessible to the American public for viewing. While some may find this controversial, we hope our move will prompt other corporations to take similar action to do their part to reduce the country’s debt.

In a separate press release, Taco Bell explained that the Liberty Bell would divide its time between Philadelphia and the Taco Bell headquarters in Irvine. It compared the purchase to the adoption of highways by corporations.

Taco Bell argued that it was simply “going one step further by purchasing one of the country’s greatest historic treasures.”

The company boasted, “Taco Bell’s heritage and imagery have revolved around the symbolism of the bell. Now we’ve got the crown jewel of bells.”

Origin: Museum of Hoaxes


Happy April Fool's Day!

Donna Marie Laino
Philadelphia, PA

PS The Liberty Bell is safe and sound here in Philadelphia! Keep Smiling!