Humor - Smart Dogs Get The Last Laugh

A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari inAfrica, taking his faithful, elderlyJack Russellnamed Killer, along for the company.

One day the old Jack Russell starts chasingrabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs...age and treachery will always overcome youth and inexperience! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.




Enjoy your life today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Las Vegas Church Humor

Las Vegas Churches Accepts gambling
Chips


This may come as a surprise.

To those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the Offerings..

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.


This is done by the chip monks.



Be Joyful today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Jewish Last Name Humor

Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe,and decide to meet again in
twenty years to see how they all made out in America. Twenty years pass- The
first man asks the second: 'Nu? How did you do'?

He replies: 'Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to
do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So
I went into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a FORTUNE!'

He turns to the next man and asks: 'Nu? How 'bout you'? He says, 'Well like
you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a
living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg. So I went into the Silver
business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!'

So they both turned to the last man to ask: 'And you? Vat happened to you?'

So the third man said: 'Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to make a
living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor. I said, dats no
good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went to Shul and prayed. I said,
God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.'

The others asked, 'So vat happened?'

The man replied: 'Vats da matter? You never heard of LORD & TAYLOR?

Humor-Tight Skirt On the Bus Joke

Tight Skirt

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her sk irt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."



Carpe diem...and spread Joy,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Mother's Day Stories Are Always Funny

To all the moms...Happy Mother's Day!


Thanks to the mom who shared this story:

We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.

Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.

Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.

Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.

And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.

And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.



Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- State Motto Humor

KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO

Alabama- Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska- 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona- But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas- Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado- If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut- Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware- We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida- Ask Us About Our Grandkids, And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia- We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii- Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho- More Than Just Potatoes....Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois- There's No "Noise" In Illinois. You Pronuonce The "S", We Smasha You Face
Indiana- 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa- We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas- First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky- Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana- We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine- We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts- Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's, And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan- First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota- 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi- Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri- Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana- Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska- Ask About Our State Motto Contest (Our Corn Is Huskier Than Yours)
Nevada- Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire- Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey- You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico- Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York- You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina- Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota- We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio- At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma- Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon- Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania- Cook With Coal
Rhode Island- We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina- Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota- Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee- Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Texas- Se Hable Ingles
Utah- Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont- Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia- Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington- Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia- One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin- May The Cheese Be With You!
Wyoming- Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared



Live Joyfully and with Passion!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Motorcycle Tool Guide Humor

Motorcycle Tool Guide


Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.

Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.

Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"

Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.

Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.

Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.

Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.

Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.


Live Joyfully with Passion,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Motorcycle Humor

Motorcycle wisdom of the road


Midnight bugs taste best.

Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.

Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.

The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.

Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.

Never mistake horsepower for staying power.

If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.

A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.

Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.

A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.

Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.

Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.

Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.

The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.

A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.

There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.

Practice wrenching on your own bike.

Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit

Maintenance is as much art as it is science.

If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.

Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck

There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.

No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.

Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.



Live Joyfully and with Passion,

Donna Marie Laino, RN