Holiday Humor: Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah

Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming
unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."


Wishing you the best this holiday season. May you all bring laughter and mirth into your homes and hearts.

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in Church: Kids Humorous Look At Church

KIDS IN CHURCH


3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.

Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One particular four-year-old prayed,"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"




Smile and spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor Quote: God's Sense of Humor

Humor Quote:


"We human beings are living proof that God has a profound sense of humor"

Sri Barbi Bungo





Keep smiling,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor on the Road - New York Driver Humor

New York Driving Rules

Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Long Island driver never uses them.
Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you,
or the space will be filled in by somebody else
Putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going With the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful Information.
They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the State Police radar car parked on the Median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the
Beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new Vehicle sales.


Keep on laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the older years

Old People and Young

An older man was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino

Zoo Humor - Mimes Behind Bars at the Zoo

A Mime in a Zoo


One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Humor Quote on Laughter by Woody Allen

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

Woody Allen



Got milk?

Here's lookin' at you!

Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Mental Hospital

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started...

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?

Halloween Humor - Jokes To Tickle Your Funny Bone On Halloween

Halloween Humor


Why don't angry witches ride their brooms?
They're afraid of flying off the handle


What do witches put on their hair?
Scare spray


What kind of mistakes do spooks make?
Boo boos


Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie


What's the ratio of a pumpkin's circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi


When does a skeleton laugh?
When something tickles his funny bone


Where did the goblin throw the football?
Over the ghoul line


What do baby ghosts wear on their feet?
Boo-ties!


What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson motorcycle?
I'm bone to be wild!



Happy Halloween to you all! Make it a boo-ti-ful day!!!

Donna Marie Laino

Laughter Quote: Blessings and Laughter

"The person who can bring the spirit of Laughter
into a room is indeed blessed" by Bennet Cerf



Create and share your blessings for all today,

Donna Marie Laino

Laughter Quote Of The Day

"Pain is deeper than all thought; Laughter is higher than all pain."
- Elbert Hubbart


Experience the highest truth...laughter over pain.

Donna Marie Laino

Laughter And The Divine: What Happens To Laugher Over The Year As We Grow

"Laughter is one of the most divine experiences,
but very few people really laugh.
Their laughter is shallow.
Either it is just intellectual or just a facade or just a formality or just a mannerism,
but it is never total.

If a person can laugh totally, wholeheartedly,
not holding anything back at all,
in that very moment, something tremendous can happen -
because laughter, when it is total,
is absolutely egoless
and that is the only condition
in which to know god, to be egoless.

There are many ways to be egoless
but laughter is the most beautiful way.
Laughter needs no talent.
In fact children laugh more beautifully more totally.
As they grow up, their laughter becomes shallow;
they start holding back,
they start thinking whether to laugh or not to laugh,
or whether it is right in this situation to laugh.

Learn the laughter of small children again
laugh consciously and totally -
and not only at others, at yourself too.
One should never miss an opportunity to laugh.
Laughter is prayer. "

from OSHO




Create laughter in your life,

Donna Marie Laino

Colleagial Humor And The Divine - Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

Why God Never Received Tenure at Any University

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt He wrote it Himself.
6. It may be true that He created the world, but what has He done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.
9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.
13. Some say He had His son teach the class.
14. He expelled His first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.


Learn your lessons well and lift up your spirits with joy in your heart

Donna Marie Laino

Funny Thing About Getting Older - Finding that Age Has Its Own Humor

Getting Older


Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered:

* I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.
* My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
* I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
* Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
* If all is not lost, where is it?
* It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
* Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
* I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.
* Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
* It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
* If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
* When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
* It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere!
* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.



Keep laughing and don't worry about the number...it's the experience that counts!


Donna Marie Laino

Lighten Up at Work: Tips To Find Humor

1. Attitude is everything. In order to lighten up at work you have to expect that it will happen. People sometimes need to allow change to unfold naturally. Keep a clown nose handy to break the ice. Wear it for the next meeting, in the elevator or when walking down the hall.


2. Be spontaneous. Laugh out loud several times a day. Find out what others think is funny and work with the humor people have naturally. Be in good taste. Create a task force to think of ways to lighten up in your office or company. Change your mission statement to include a fun atmosphere.

3. An office that plays together stays together. Have designated breakfast or lunches with a gong show, charades, or any other team event to incorporate a fun activity. Create relays or an obstacle course in the office with items routinely used in your business.


4. Transform areas in the office to enhance the mood you are trying to attain at work. A bulletin board can be easily changed into a baby picture board, joke of the day, funny ads or signs. Keep a “fun” journal or scrapbook. Use your imagination.


5. Create a fun room, corner of the office or an extra desk. Use colors that will stimulate creativity. Include a “fun chest” in the area and fill it with props and costumes. Allow people to play to release stress so they are more productive at work. Even Groucho Marx got some work done around the office.


6. Mark the calendar for fun days like April Fool’s Day, Ground Hog’s Day and Halloween. Create your own monthly or weekly fun days. Pick a “queen/king for a day” with crown and cape and a special chair. Answer each request with “As you wish”. Initiate hat days, ugly tie days, etc. Wear different colored socks. Instead of dress down days, dress up or dress backwards! Be creative!


7. Perform Random Acts of FunninessTM . Think of ways to use your own talents in the workplace to stimulate camaraderie and fun at the same time. Have a standing ovation for people who do mundane things in the office, even the ones who come it late. Clap and sing for birthdays around their desks like they do in restaurants. If all else fails, the whoopee cushion or laughing box always gets a laugh!

Spread the Joy!

Donna Marie Laino

Outragious Living: Living Life To It's Fullest

"Life is not intended as a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming

"WOW! - What a Ride!"


Woo-Whooooo!!!!!

Take the Ride!

Donna Marie Laino

Laugh at Today's One Liner: Plumber Humor

Advertisement on the back of a plumber's truck:

A FLUSH BEATS A FULL HOUSE




Be the Joy....Laugh alot!

Donna Marie Laino

Funny Stories of Child Rearing: How Three Year Olds Can Turn Tacos into Humor

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? This mother's story has a truth that many of us mom's can relate to (and dads!).



My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No."

I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."

Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"

"No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.

Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled.

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"

While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



Keep Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Humorous Way to Look at Getting Things Done in Your Life

Couldn’t Be Done


Somebody said that it couldn’t be done,
But, he with a chuckle replied
That "maybe it couldn’t," but he would be one
Who wouldn’t say so till he’d tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
On his face. If he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: "Oh, you’ll never do that;
At least no one has done it";
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his chin and a bit of a grin,
Without any doubting or quiddit,
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

There are thousands to tell you it cannot be done,
There are thousands to prophesy failure;
There are thousands to point out to you one by one,
The dangers that wait to assail you.
But just buckle it in with a bit of a grin,
Just take off your coat and go to it;
Just start to sing as you tackle the thing
That "couldn’t be done," and you’ll do it.


by Edgar Albert Guest 1881-1959



Live, Laugh, Celebrate Yourself!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor, Nutrition and Creation - Would you like fries with that?

In The Beginning,

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"

And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.

And Woman went from size 6 to size 14. So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the
repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food." God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would no have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!"

And Satan said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.



Laugh out loud today!

Health and Harmony,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in Church - Why Catholics Are Still Laughing

Secret Catholic Rituals and Code Words

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This information is for Catholics. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.

AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.

HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE: Holy Smoke

JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough)

PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew


Keep Laughin'

Donna Marie Laino

A Humorous Side to Zen: The Zen of Sarcasm

The Zen of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


To your health!

Donna Marie Laino

A Humorous Look at the American Diet: Humor in the Kitchen

Humor in the American Diet



Can’t eat Beef….Mad Cow…

Can’t eat Chicken…Bird Flu…

Can’t eat Pork…Trichinosis

Can’t eat Fish…Heavy Metals

Can’t eat Fruit and Veggies…Insecticides and Herbicides

Hmmmmmmm….

I believe that leaves Chocolate!!!



To your health! Laugh and Live Longer!

Donna Marie Laino

Humorous Look at the LIfecycle

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first.

Start out dead and get it out of the way.

You wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy.

You collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol and party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for high school.

You go to primary school.

You become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby.

You then spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters everyday.

And finally...you finish off as an orgasm.


Love, Laugh, Enjoy Today!

Donna Marie Laino

Bored? Celebrate Today with a Silly Day

Silly Celebration Days


Spice up your work day, home life, kid's day, partner's day or create a "special" day for yourself. When we live life with a purpose it makes every day feel special. Why not get yourself out of the dule-drums or depressed mood and make each day fun.

Here is a list of dates to get you going. Use your imagination and create your day and have fun!

Laugh and Live Longer!

Donna Marie Laino



January

06 Fruit Cake Toss Day
16 Appreciate a Dragon Day
19 Penguin Awareness Day
24 Belly Laugh Day
30 Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
30 Insane Answering Machine Message Day


February

01 Hula in the Coola Day
05 Weatherpersons Day
08 Laugh and Get Rich Day
11 Satisfied Staying Single Day
13 Get a Different Name Day
15 National Gumdrop Day
17 My Way Day
28 National Tooth Fairy Day

March

01 Beer Day
03 I Want You To Be Happy Day
04 March Forth and Do Something Day
08 Fun Facts About People’s Names Day
09 Panic Day
16 Lips Appreciation Day
18 Awkward Moments Day
22 As Young As You Feel Day

April

02 Yo-Yo Day
11 Barbershop Quartet Day
12 Licorice Day
14 Pecan Day
17 Ford Mustang Day
19 Husband Appreciation Day
19 World Cow Chip Day

May

02 Brother/Sister Day
02 Paranormal Day
04 Respect for Chickens Day
12 Limerick Day
13 Mother Ocean Day
15 Nylon Stockings Day
18 Visit Your Relatives Day
23 Sea Turtle Day
25 Tap Dance Day

June

01 National Side Dish Day
02 Dinosaur Day
03 Repeat Day
04 Hug Your Cat Day
07 Boone Day
08 Ice Cream Day
09 Cuddle Up Day
10 Mourn for Your Money Day
13 Kitchen Klutzes of America Day
15 No More T.V. Day
17 Violin Day
18 National Splurge Day
19 Juneteenth Day
20 Talk the Talk Day
21 Less is More Day
22 Be Kind to Stuffed Animals Day
23 Typewriter Day
24 Flying Saucer Day
25 Leon Day
26 Stay-at-home Moms Day
27 Talk Like a Chessy P.I. Day
29 Remote Control Day
30 Meteorite Day

July

02 Halfway Day
03 Air Conditioning Day
04 Oatman Sidewalk Egg Frying Contest
05 Workaholic Day
06 Fweep Day
07 Chocolate Day
08 Ice Cream Sundae Day
09 Rock/Roll Day
10 Lady Godiva
11 Cheer Up Day
12 Simplicity Day
13 Puzzle Day
14 Cow Appreciation Day
14 National Nudist Day
15 No-Hitter Day
16 Talk to a Telemarketer Day
17 15 Minutes of Fame Day
18 Wiener Day
19 Bloomer Day
21 Monkey Day
23 Cutesy-Wootsie Day
24 Opinion Day
25 Carousel Day
26 Footnote Appreciation Day
27 Talk Like a Mad Scientist Day
28 Hamburger Day
29 Final Frontier Day
30 Kiss Your Car Day
31 Fill in the Blanks Day

August

05 Work Like a Dog Day
16 Roller Coaster Day
22 Be an Angel Day
25 Kiss and Make Up Day
26 Rock and Roll Day
28 Race Your Mouse Around the Icons Day


September

16 Wife Appreciation Day
19 Talk Like a Pirate Day
23 Chocolate Day
24 Good Neighbor Day

October

02 Universal Children’s Day
04 Toot Your Flute Day
06 World Smile Day
13 World Egg Day
28 Chocolate Day
31 Scare a Friend Day

November

03 Cliché Day
03 Sandwich Day
04 Sadie Hawkins Day
05 Guy Fawkes Day
13 World Kindness Day

December

04 National Dice Day
12 Gingerbread House Day
12 Poinsettia Day
21 Humbug Day
28 Chocolate Day

Picking a pet: Why dogs are better than cats for pets

Picking a Pet? Choose wisely!



If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section…then buy a dog.


If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you….then buy a dog.


If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says it's not quite as good as his mother made it ... then buy a dog.


If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want... then buy a dog.


If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies….then buy a dog.



If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores ..... then buy a dog.


If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually…then buy a dog.



But, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness…then buy a cat!


To your health!

Donna Marie Laino

Kid's View of Mothers: Mother's Day Humor

Why did God make mothers?
These are answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2 Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.


Happy Mother's Day! Keep Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Funny Baby Boomer Songs: Humor in the Baby Boomer Years

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

To your health! Keep Laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Italian Sicilian Dinner: Memorable Sunday Dinner for the Sicilian Italians

"THE SICILIAN"

Sunday Dinner for Italians.... Italians have a $40,000 Kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.

There is some sort of religious statue in the hallway, living room, bedroom, front porch and backyard.

The living room is filled with old wedding favors wrapped with netting and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-Dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can (tomato paste is the except!).

Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians, we don't care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and soup.

If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE. If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let them know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.

No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, sneak out a fried meatball and chowed down you'll make up for it next week at confession.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this... Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean, What more do you want? All the utensil's go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7up are on the table.

First course, Antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni)...change plates. After that, roasted Meats, roasted Potatoes, overcooked vegetables... change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL &VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones).

Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with hard Cookies (Biscotti) to dip in the coffee.

The kids go play...the men go to lay down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen.

Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen, if needed, while you're in the living room.

Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material. Prom hairdo from Cousin Angela...$Free. Turning around at the prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym... PRICELESS!


Ah the Italian life!

Ciao!

Donna Marie Laino

PS It's all true!

Children's View: Why God Made Moms

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by second grade school children to the following questions:

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff .
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer? 3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who d id it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Hat Joke: Joke of the Day

There were two hats sitting on a hat rack. One hat said to the other, "You can stay here, I'm going on a head."

Children: Thought of the Day

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."


Bill Cosby

Thought for the Day

"Out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."

Dogs talking to God: If Dogs Could Talk, What Would They Say?

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are t here mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table .
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my bottom.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

Easter Chuckles

Tips from the Easter Bunny

1. Don't put all your eggs in one basket


2. There's no such thing as too much candy


3. Some body parts should be floppy


4. An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare


5. The grass is always greener in someone else's basket


6. Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits

Are you using your smile muscles today?

Most people think we smile with our mouths. We actually smile with our cheeks! The smile muscles attach to the area at the corners of our mouths. When we contract the cheek muscles our mouths go along for the ride! Start your day with some ha ha's and use your smile muscles!

Here are some quips from Groucho Marx to start your day:

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home."

"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it is too dark to read."

To your health!

Donna Marie

Tips to have fun in the office

1) Page yourself on the intercom
2) Answer each directive given to you with "As you wish"
3) Wear a clown nose to the next staff meeting
4) Create a "fun corner" and put wind-up toys, bubbles, punch ball, etc
5) Have "hat day" or "tie day". Be creative!
6) Create a fun board and post jokes, cartoons, funny pictures, etc
7) Create monthly themes and dress up (i.e. Star Wars)