Humor on the Road - New York Driver Humor

New York Driving Rules

Turn signals will give away your next move.
A real Long Island driver never uses them.
Use of them in Massapequa may be illegal.

Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you,
or the space will be filled in by somebody else
Putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going With the flow."

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Electronic traffic warning signs are not there to provide useful Information.
They are only there to make Long Island look high-tech, and to distract you from seeing the State Police radar car parked on the Median.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions, and are apparently not enforceable during rush hour.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, or even if someone is just changing a tire.

Throwing litter on the roads adds color to the landscape and gives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

It is assumed that state police cars passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need to make up a few minutes on your way to work, or the
Beach.

Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way of ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new Vehicle sales.


Keep on laughing!

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the older years

Old People and Young

An older man was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'


Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino

Zoo Humor - Mimes Behind Bars at the Zoo

A Mime in a Zoo


One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

Humor Quote on Laughter by Woody Allen

"I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose."

Woody Allen



Got milk?

Here's lookin' at you!

Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino

Humor in the Mental Hospital

The Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started...

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?