Friday, November 28, 2008
Humor -Women's Humor With Words
NINE WORDS WOMEN USE
(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ”nothing ” usually end in “ fine ” ..
(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'. That will bring on a 'whatever', see #8).
(8) Whatever : This is a woman's way of saying _____ YOU! (insert her favorite explicative in the blank)
(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.
Have a joy-filled day!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Humor At The Pearly Gates
A woman named Jane was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a
heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.
She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and
was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Jane! I didn't recognize you!"
heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience.
She saw God and asked, "Is this it?"
God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."
Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have
collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and
breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She
figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well
make the most of it.
She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and
was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She
arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had
another 30 to 40 years?"
God replied, "Jane! I didn't recognize you!"
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Humor-Cat humor
Job Description for Cats
BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to a rug. Oriental is best, but if not, shag is good.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping.
Following are the rules for helping:
When supervising cooking, sit immediately behind the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book--unless you can lie across the book itself.
When your human is working at the computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen, and then lie in human's lap across arms, thereby helping typing in progress no end.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human...especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around, and make sure you purr very loudly and 'make bread' on their chest.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out...the humans will shower you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.... And don't forget the guests!
Have a Purrrfect Day!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to a rug. Oriental is best, but if not, shag is good.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping.
Following are the rules for helping:
When supervising cooking, sit immediately behind the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book--unless you can lie across the book itself.
When your human is working at the computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen, and then lie in human's lap across arms, thereby helping typing in progress no end.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human...especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around, and make sure you purr very loudly and 'make bread' on their chest.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out...the humans will shower you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.... And don't forget the guests!
Have a Purrrfect Day!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Monday, August 11, 2008
Humor - Men Beware of Women's Savvy
APARTMENT FOR RENT
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
So he does. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." But on the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Laugh Out Loud Today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
So he does. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." But on the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Laugh Out Loud Today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Humor- Swimsuit And Beach Humor
Feeling a bit insecure changing at the beach?
Not to worry, see this funny, shy guy handle the stress.
Enjoy and laugh a little today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Humor-Redneck Church Humor
You Know You're in a Redneck Church -
if ...
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the Purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
Live Joyfully,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
if ...
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the Purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
Live Joyfully,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Monday, August 4, 2008
Humor - Men's Humorous Life
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!
Donna Marie Laino,RN
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!
Donna Marie Laino,RN
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Humor - Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth Humor
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Pardon At The Pearly Gates
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it? Without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Spread your joy,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it? Without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Spread your joy,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Humor - Children's Sayings Are Very Funny
11 REASONS WE LOVE KIDS............
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' he asked.
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' he asked.
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Humor - How Men Giving Advice Can Be Humorous
Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road
when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
he went into the backyard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much,but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance
can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding
the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for
air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps. Ted
Keeping Laughing!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road
when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
he went into the backyard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much,but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance
can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding
the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for
air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps. Ted
Keeping Laughing!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Humor- Ladies Room Bathroom Humor
WOMEN’S RESTROOMS
When you have to visit a public “Restroom”, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘The Stance’.
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance”.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was not toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s till in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s till smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bottom and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper off your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s “Restroom”. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck!’
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deals with public “Restrooms”. (Rest?? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the “Restroom” in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you a Kleenex under the door!
Let's keep laughing at ourselves!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Humor - Senior Citizens Enjoying Peanut Humor
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady, " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The
puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Take time to be with something today and spread the joy!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she
hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little
old lady, " why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The
puzzled driver asks,
"Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
Take time to be with something today and spread the joy!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Friday, June 6, 2008
Humor - Teenage Blonde Gets the Last Laugh
A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the teen added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Have a joy-filled heart today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband,'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house? He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blond jokes.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.
'And by the way, ' the teen added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
Have a joy-filled heart today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Friday, May 30, 2008
Humor - Smart Dogs Get The Last Laugh
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari inAfrica, taking his faithful, elderlyJack Russellnamed Killer, along for the company.
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasingrabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...age and treachery will always overcome youth and inexperience! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Enjoy your life today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
One day the old Jack Russell starts chasingrabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Jack Russell thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep
> doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says...
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard !
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...age and treachery will always overcome youth and inexperience! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Enjoy your life today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Humor - Las Vegas Church Humor
Las Vegas Churches Accepts gambling
Chips
This may come as a surprise.
To those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the Offerings..
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Be Joyful today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Chips
This may come as a surprise.
To those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the Offerings..
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
Be Joyful today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Humor- Jewish Last Name Humor
Three Jewish men arrive in NYC from Europe,and decide to meet again in
twenty years to see how they all made out in America. Twenty years pass- The
first man asks the second: 'Nu? How did you do'?
He replies: 'Well, you know when I came to this country I had no idea vat to
do with myself to make a living. So I looked at my last name. Goldstein. So
I went into the GOLD business. And OY, did I make a FORTUNE!'
He turns to the next man and asks: 'Nu? How 'bout you'? He says, 'Well like
you I had no idea vat I vas going to do in this vast country to make a
living, so I to took my last name. Silverberg. So I went into the Silver
business. And oy, did I make a FORTUNE!'
So they both turned to the last man to ask: 'And you? Vat happened to you?'
So the third man said: 'Well, I too had no idea how I vas going to make a
living here in America, so I looked at my last name. Tailor. I said, dats no
good. I never make money as a tailor. So, I went to Shul and prayed. I said,
God, if you make me a wealthy man, I promise to make You my partner.'
The others asked, 'So vat happened?'
The man replied: 'Vats da matter? You never heard of LORD & TAYLOR?
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Humor-Tight Skirt On the Bus Joke
Tight Skirt
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her sk irt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Carpe diem...and spread Joy,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight mini skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her sk irt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
Carpe diem...and spread Joy,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Friday, May 9, 2008
Humor- Mother's Day Stories Are Always Funny
To all the moms...Happy Mother's Day!
Thanks to the mom who shared this story:
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.
And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thanks to the mom who shared this story:
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on this mat in our bathroom.
Well we have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loves chapstick. LOVES it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. So finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and how he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer when he was done.
Last year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for Church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up.
Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally round the corner to go into the bathroom. And there was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right--their little butts do look pretty chapped.
And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind.
And the only question to really ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth.
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat's butt.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Humor- State Motto Humor
KNOW YOUR STATE MOTTO
Alabama- Hell Yes, We Have Electricity.
Alaska- 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
Arizona- But It's A Dry Heat.
Arkansas- Lituracy Ain't Everythang.
California- By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.
Colorado- If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother.
Connecticut- Like Massachusetts, only smaller.
Delaware- We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water.
Florida- Ask Us About Our Grandkids, And Our Voting Skills.
Georgia- We Put The Fun In Fundamentalist Extremism.
Hawaii- Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum,Leave Your Money)
Idaho- More Than Just Potatoes....Well, Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois- There's No "Noise" In Illinois. You Pronuonce The "S", We Smasha You Face
Indiana- 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa- We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas- First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky- Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana- We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign.
Maine- We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland- If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
Massachusetts- Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden 's, And Our Senators Are More Corrupt!
Michigan- First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
Minnesota- 10,000 Lakes...And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi- Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri- Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
Montana- Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing Crazies, and Honest Elections!
Nebraska- Ask About Our State Motto Contest (Our Corn Is Huskier Than Yours)
Nevada- Hookers and Poker!
New Hampshire- Go Away And Leave Us Alone
New Jersey- You Want A ##$%##! Motto?I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here!
New Mexico- Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York- You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...
And No Right To Self Defense!
North Carolina- Tobacco Is A Vegetable
North Dakota- We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
Ohio- At Least We're Not Michigan
Oklahoma- Like The Play, But No Singing
Oregon- Spotted Owl...It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania- Cook With Coal
Rhode Island- We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina- Remember The Civil War? Well, We Didn't Actually Surrender Yet
South Dakota- Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee- Home of the Al Gore Invention Museum .
Texas- Se Hable Ingles
Utah- Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont- Too liberal for the Kennedys
Virginia- Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington- Our Governor can out-fraud your Governor!
West Virginia- One Big Happy Family...Really!
Wisconsin- May The Cheese Be With You!
Wyoming- Where Men Are Men... And The Sheep Are Scared
Live Joyfully and with Passion!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Humor- Motorcycle Tool Guide Humor
Motorcycle Tool Guide
Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.
Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.
Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
Live Joyfully with Passion,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Humor - Motorcycle Humor
Motorcycle wisdom of the road
Midnight bugs taste best.
Saddlebags can never hold everything you want, but they CAN hold everything you need.
Home is where your bike sits still long enough to leave a few drops of oil on the ground.
The only good view of a thunderstorm is in your rearview mirror.
Bikes don't leak oil, they mark their territory.
Never mistake horsepower for staying power.
If you don't ride in the rain - you don't ride.
A bike on the road is worth two in the shed.
Young riders pick a destination and go. . . Old riders pick a direction and go.
A good mechanic will let you watch without charging you for it.
Sometimes the fastest way to get there is to stop for the night.
Winter is Nature's way of telling you to polish your bike.
Well-trained reflexes are quicker than luck.
The best alarm clock is sunshine on chrome.
A friend is someone who'll get out of bed at 2 am to drive his pickup to the middle of nowhere.
There's something ugly about a NEW bike on a trailer.
Practice wrenching on your own bike.
Never be ashamed to unlearn an old habit
Maintenance is as much art as it is science.
If you ride like there's no tomorrow - there won't be.
Gray-haired riders don't get that way from pure luck
There are drunk riders. There are old riders. There are NO old, drunk riders.
No matter what marquee you ride, it's all the same wind.
Only a Biker knows why a dog sticks his head out of a car window.
Live Joyfully and with Passion,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Humor- Married Jokes
The Good Husband
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son.. What happened last night?
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over
the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son,'So,why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirin $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. PRICELESS
Live with passion,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Friday, April 18, 2008
Humor In Church
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer
of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with
small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly:
'Good morning Alex'.
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this?' - he asked.
The pastor said: - 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:
'Which service, the 9:30 or 11:00?
Live Joyfully!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Monday, April 14, 2008
Humor - Kids Ask Questions And Moms Create Humorous Answers
A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?'
The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.'
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.
The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?'
The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.'
Be well and give a smile to someone behind you today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Humor In the Gynocology Office
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
'Bartender, got any specials today?'
Bartender answers, 'Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka.'
The guy asks, 'Good grief, what do you call that?'
The bartender replied, 'It's a 'Pabst Smir.'
Be Jolly Today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Friday, April 11, 2008
Humor - Parenting Teens During Old Age Humor
Grandmother Humor
A Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, hes eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grandaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Live joyfully and pass it on!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
A Doctor that had been seeing an 80 year old woman for most of her life finally retired.
At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, hes eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL PILLS?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old grandaughter drinks. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."
Live joyfully and pass it on!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Humor - Kosher Computer Humor
Kosher Computers
You can now purchase Kosher computers! They are made in Israel by a company called DELL-SHALOM. The price is so low... even with the shipping from Israel! However, before you purchase a kosher computer of your own, you should know that there are some important changes from the typical non-kosher computer you are used to, such as:
1) The "Start" button has been replaced with a "Let's go!! I'm not getting any younger!" button.
2) You hear "Hava Nagila" during startup.
3) The cursor moves from right to left.
4) When Spell-checker finds an error it prompts, "Is this the best you can do?"
5) When you look at erotic images, your computer says, "If your mother knew you did this, she would die."
6) It comes with a "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz that gets rid of all the "schmutz und drek."
7) When running "Scan Disk" it prompts you with a "You want I should fix this?" message.
8) After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC goes, "Schloffen."
9) The PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
10) It comes with two hard drives - one for fleyshedik (business software) and one for milchedik (games).
11) Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC now gets "Ferklempt."
12) The multimedia player has been renamed to "Nu, so play my music already!"
13) When your PC is working too hard, you occasionally hear a loud "Oy Gevalt!"
14) Computer viruses can now be cured with matzo ball soup.
16) When disconnecting external devices from the PC, you are instructed to "Remove the cable from the PC's tuchus."
17) After your computer dies, you have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
18) But best of all, if you have a kosher computer, you can't get SPAM...
Shalom,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Monday, April 7, 2008
Humor After Death - Parting Words Turned Into Humorous Action
A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away.
When her husband was on his death bed, and he told her that he had
three envelopes in his desk drawer that would 'take care' of all of
the arrangements. Well, he died shortly thereafter, so the wife
opened the drawer and there were 3 envelopes just like he said.
One the first envelope it said 'for the casket'. There was $5,000.00
in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.
The second envelope said 'for the expenses' and had $4,000.00 in it
so she paid all the bills from the funeral.
The third envelope said 'for the stone' and had $3,000.00 in it. She
then held her hand out to her friends and said, 'Isn't it beautiful!!!'
Send a smile in someone else's direction today!
Donna Marie Laino
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Humor in the Dark - Sunrise Humor
One morning a man got up early to watch the sun rise.
As he sat in the dark it suddenly dawned on him...
Live Joyfully,
Donna Marie Laino
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Humor With Venus and Mars - A Closer Look At The Sexes
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon
and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunchtime she asked if he would like something.
'A bowl of soup, home-made muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to
eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'It's got to be the Viagra...I'm still not hungry'.
'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'
Make it a joy-filled day,
Donna Marie Laino
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
April Fool's Day Humor: Liberty Bell Hoax
On April 1, 1996 a full page ad appeared in six major American newspapers (The Philadelphia Inquirer, New York Times, Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Dallas Morning News, and USA Today) announcing that the fast food chain Taco Bell had purchased the Liberty Bell. The full text of the ad read:
Taco Bell Buys The Liberty Bell
In an effort to help the national debt, Taco Bell is pleased to announce that we have agreed to purchase the Liberty Bell, one of our country’s most historic treasures.
It will now be called the ”Taco Liberty Bell” and will still be accessible to the American public for viewing. While some may find this controversial, we hope our move will prompt other corporations to take similar action to do their part to reduce the country’s debt.
In a separate press release, Taco Bell explained that the Liberty Bell would divide its time between Philadelphia and the Taco Bell headquarters in Irvine. It compared the purchase to the adoption of highways by corporations.
Taco Bell argued that it was simply “going one step further by purchasing one of the country’s greatest historic treasures.”
The company boasted, “Taco Bell’s heritage and imagery have revolved around the symbolism of the bell. Now we’ve got the crown jewel of bells.”
Origin: Museum of Hoaxes
Happy April Fool's Day!
Donna Marie Laino
Philadelphia, PA
PS The Liberty Bell is safe and sound here in Philadelphia! Keep Smiling!
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Humor With Victoria's Secret
THE NEGLIGEE
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs,put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea".
"It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll
do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself."
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, "Good Grief!"
"You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!"
He never heard the shot.
Funeral on Thursday at Noon.
Closed coffin.
Live Joyfully,
Donna Marie Laino
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Humor in the Air: Airport Pilot Breaks Silence With Humor
While taxiing at London's, Heathrow Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?
I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?
Make today joyful,
Donna Marie Laino
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Irish Humor
Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Humor Joke of the Day: Aging
Joke of the day:
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
It is good to laugh at ourselves!
Have a jolly day.
Donna Marie Laino
One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'
It is good to laugh at ourselves!
Have a jolly day.
Donna Marie Laino
Friday, February 29, 2008
Humor With The Sexes - Male and Female Humor
Male or Female?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
A smile can make your day and someone elses. Keep smiling!
Donna Marie Laino
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Humor in Old Age: Marriage Humor
The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they w ere ju st fine - they were used to sha ring everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
Keep a amile on your face,
Donna Marie Laino
The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they w ere ju st fine - they were used to sha ring everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
'THE TEETH.'
Keep a amile on your face,
Donna Marie Laino
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Humor With Dogs: If Your Talk Could Talk This Would Be What Humorous Things They Would Say
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
1) Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!
2)Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3)Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4)Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!
5)Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6)The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7)Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8)Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9)Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10)How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
Be kind to your pet. Give your dog a hug today.
Laugh lots too!
Donna Marie Laino
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Humor Among the Sexes: Men Understanding Women
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
To your Health,
Donna Marie Laino
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider.
To your Health,
Donna Marie Laino
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Humor With Aging: Perks of Being 50- What's So Funny?
PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along w ith elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Healing is when we can laugh at ourselves!
Donna Marie Laino
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, Did I wake you????
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 4 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along w ith elevator music.
14. Your eyes won't get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather
service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
Healing is when we can laugh at ourselves!
Donna Marie Laino
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Humor The Animal Lover: Cats and Canine Humor
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pet/s, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (except Terriers and ShihTzu)
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!
Have a joy-filled day,
Donna Marie Laino
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king- sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's rear end. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pet/s, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember: Dogs and Cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train (except Terriers and ShihTzu)
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children!!!
Have a joy-filled day,
Donna Marie Laino
Monday, January 21, 2008
Humorous email: Lessons from a wrong email
Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Keeping laughing and give yourself permission to be silly,
Donna Marie Laino
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans.
So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving wife
Subject: I've arrived
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
Keeping laughing and give yourself permission to be silly,
Donna Marie Laino
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Attorney Humor: Humorous Look At Attorneys
Attorney Humor
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can' t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______ _________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WI TNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Keep Laughing and smiling too!
Donna Marie Laino
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can' t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______ _________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WI TNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
Keep Laughing and smiling too!
Donna Marie Laino
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Humorous Signs of Aging: Signs of Getting Old
25 Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. Sleeping in the chair becomes part of your bedtime routine.
To your health,
Donna Marie Laino
1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word "equity" means.
18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
25. Sleeping in the chair becomes part of your bedtime routine.
To your health,
Donna Marie Laino
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