Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Pardon At The Pearly Gates
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which of one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect pair God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it? Without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Spread your joy,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Humor - Children's Sayings Are Very Funny
11 REASONS WE LOVE KIDS............
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' he asked.
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
eveningwhen a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and
waved. She was stark naked!
As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
notefrom his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this
child are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to
answer the phone.
'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the
matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I
was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and
down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?'
'Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if
I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,' I told her.
'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you
please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was
barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
'Is that a dog you got back there? ' he asked. 'It sure is,' I
replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon
rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of
old age,particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day I found her staring at a pair of fa lse teeth soaking in a
glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions,
she merely turned and whispered,
'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she
saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't
wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?' he asked.
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar
wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a
dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they
had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and
made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and
withsonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son,
and into the hole he goooes.'
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't
write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible.He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an
old leaf thathad been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered,
'I think it's Adam's underwear!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Humor - How Men Giving Advice Can Be Humorous
Why Men Do Not Write Advice Columns
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road
when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
he went into the backyard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much,but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance
can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding
the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for
air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps. Ted
Keeping Laughing!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Dear Ted,
I hope you can help me here.
The other day I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road
when my engine conked out and the car shuddered
to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's
help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He
was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making
mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband
is 34 and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he tried to make out that
he went into the backyard and heard a lady scream,
had come to her rescue but found her unconscious.
He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid
her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she
immediately began thanking him and kissing him and
he was attempting to break free when I came back.
But when I asked him why neither of them had any
clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd
been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love
him very much,but ever since I gave him the ultimatum
he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can
get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Susie
Dear Susie,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance
can be caused by a variety of faults.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the
fuel line. If it is clear, check the clips holding
the vacuum lines onto the inlet manifold for
air leaks. If none of these approaches solves the
problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps. Ted
Keeping Laughing!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Humor- Ladies Room Bathroom Humor
WOMEN’S RESTROOMS
When you have to visit a public “Restroom”, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it’s your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won’t latch. It doesn’t matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern ‘seat covers’ (invented by someone’s Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn’t – so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ‘The Stance’.
In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You’d love to sit down, but you certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold ‘The Stance”.
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother’s voice saying, ‘Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was not toilet paper!’ Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday – the one that’s till in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It’s till smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn’t work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. ‘Occupied!’ you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper – not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you’re certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, ‘You just don’t KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.’
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your bottom and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You’re soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can’t figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.
You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper off your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand and tell her warmly, ‘Here, you just might need this.’
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men’s “Restroom”. Annoyed, he asks, ‘What took you so long and why is your purse hanging around your neck!’
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deals with public “Restrooms”. (Rest?? You’ve GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the “Restroom” in pairs. It’s so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you a Kleenex under the door!
Let's keep laughing at ourselves!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
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