Job Description for Cats
BATHROOMS: Always accompany humans to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.
DOORS: Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to a rug. Oriental is best, but if not, shag is good.
HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in any activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping.
Following are the rules for helping:
When supervising cooking, sit immediately behind the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book--unless you can lie across the book itself.
When your human is working at the computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at the mouse pointer on screen, and then lie in human's lap across arms, thereby helping typing in progress no end.
WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human...especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around, and make sure you purr very loudly and 'make bread' on their chest.
LITTER BOX: When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.
HIDING: Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you and do NOT come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out...the humans will shower you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.
ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often.... And don't forget the guests!
Have a Purrrfect Day!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Humor - Men Beware of Women's Savvy
APARTMENT FOR RENT
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
So he does. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." But on the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Laugh Out Loud Today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500.
So he does. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT." But on the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and encloses the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that
1) It had never been occupied
2) That there was plenty of heat
3) That it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady. Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.
Laugh Out Loud Today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Humor- Swimsuit And Beach Humor
Feeling a bit insecure changing at the beach?
Not to worry, see this funny, shy guy handle the stress.
Enjoy and laugh a little today!
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Humor-Redneck Church Humor
You Know You're in a Redneck Church -
if ...
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the Purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
Live Joyfully,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
if ...
1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the Purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
9. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
10. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
11. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
12. Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
13. The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
14. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
15. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
16. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
Live Joyfully,
Donna Marie Laino, RN
Monday, August 4, 2008
Humor - Men's Humorous Life
MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!
Donna Marie Laino,RN
NICKNAMES
* If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
* If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
* When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
* When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
* A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
* A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
* A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
* The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
* A woman has the last word in any argument.
* Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
* A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
* A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
* A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
* A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
* A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
* A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
* A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
* A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
* Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
* Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
* Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
* A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
Laugh when no one is looking today...then keep laughing!
Donna Marie Laino,RN
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