Humor - Preacher Son Jokes

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whiskey

And a playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a bl essing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the centerfold.

'Lord have mercy..' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'


Spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Old Age Humor at the Pearly Gates

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because

they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health,

largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day , their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation

and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.






They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,

finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,

with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood

to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.

'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like,

and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago eating donuts!'


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Dental Meditation Humor

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Joke of the day: Twin Humor

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



Live your life fully today. Laugh, spread joy and be at peace!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Speed Limit of Sex

What's the speed limit of sex?

Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around



Laugh a lot today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Two Old Ladies

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said,"Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can)through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement."


Let's laugh at ourselves today!


Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor: Mime Your Business

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.




Have a ball today!


Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor: Life Stages with George Carlin

George Carlin's Views on Aging



Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' ' I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life ! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone..

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2 Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge .

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9... Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at every opportunity.


AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.



Enjoy the joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Men Are Happier People

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:


Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

*Your last name stays put.
*The garage is all yours.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*Chocolate is just another snack.
*You can be President.
*You can never be pregnant.

*You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
*You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*The world is your urinal.
*You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt..
*Same work, more pay.
*Wrinkles add character.
*Wedding dress $5000.
*Tux rental-$100.
*People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
*New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
*One mood all the time.

*Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

*Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
*You almost never have strap problems in public.
*You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

*You only have to shave your face and neck.
*You can play with toys all your life.
*One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
*You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
*You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
*You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


Enjoy your life today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - April Fool's Day Humor

April Fool's Day Prank: The Left-Handed Whopper

1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a "Left-Handed Whopper" specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers.

The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich.

Simultaneously, according to the press release, "many others requested their own 'right handed' version."

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/aprilfool/



Celebrate National Humor Month!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Irish Jokes

Q: What's long & green & has a low I.Q.?
A: A St. Patrick's Day Parade

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
A: He couldn't afford plane fare.

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!


Top of the morn'in to you!


Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Laughing about Courting Humor

Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.

The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"

"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"

"Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"


Laugh alot today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor- Kids and Driver License Humor

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.

'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'



Laugh out loud often!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Funny Kids - Classroom Humor

Funny Children's Comments To Teachers:


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D- I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
__________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie...Always say, 'I am'
MILLIE: All right...'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
__________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
__________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
__________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.


Begin each day with a smile!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Children's Humor-Funny Science Answers

Children's Science Exam Answers


Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A : When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contain s the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.



How funny life can be!

Keep laughing,

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Credit Card Humor

Credit Card Call


This is a humorous call regarding a credit card account problem from a woman who died prior to the call:


Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'


Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )


After they get the fax :

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: 'Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'




Enjoy and be joy-filled!

Donna Marie Laino, RN