Humor in the Doctor's Office

A man sees a doc for a physical.

The nurse asks: "How much do you weight?" "Oh, about 165", he says. The nurse puts him on a scale, it turns out that his weight is 187. "What is your height?" "Oh, about 6 feet", he says. He turns to be 5'8".

She takes his blood pressure and it turns to be very high.

"High!" the man exc...laims.

"Well, what do you expect? When I came here, I was tall and lanky. Now I am short and fat!"

Snow Shoveling Joke

Shoveling Snow


December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print.
I love snow!



December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole
world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up
the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to
shovel again. What a perfect life!



December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to
worry-we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow
on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we'll have so
much snow by the end of winter that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob Is
such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.



December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again; I didn't realize I would have
to do this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.



December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2
extra snow shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife
wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I
think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.



December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.



December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours, I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to
her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.



December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a
neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy
playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only
hardware store around to see about buying a snow
blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in
March, I think they're lying. Bob says I have to
shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I
think he's lying.



December 20

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold,
it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow blade on his truck for the
rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think
the asshole is lying.



December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today… And it warmed up to 0!
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?! Why didn't she tell
me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I
think she's lying.



December 24

6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow
plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just
cleared! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the damn snowplow.



December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn
slop tonight - snowed in! The idea of shoveling makes
my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow
driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him
over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's a frickin' idiot! If I
have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time,
I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.



December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.



December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him... he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.



December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The BITCH is
driving me crazy!



December 29

10 more goddammed inches! Bob says I have to shovel
the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest
thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?



December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the
broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to
her mother. Nine more inches predicted…



December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.



January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. But why am I tied to the bed?



Keep laughing!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Preacher Son Jokes

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away to school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects.

A bible

A silver dollar

A bottle of whiskey

And a playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door', the old preacher said. 'When he comes home from school this afternoon, 'I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a bl essing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle. he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing bum.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired the centerfold.

'Lord have mercy..' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.'


Spread joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Old Age Humor at the Pearly Gates

Bran Muffins

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years.

Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because

they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health,

largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day , their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation

and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.






They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.

He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks,

with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.

This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course,

finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.

'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch,

with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood

to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.

'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like,

and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said,

'You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago eating donuts!'


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Dental Meditation Humor

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.


Spread Joy today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Joke of the day: Twin Humor

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."



Live your life fully today. Laugh, spread joy and be at peace!

Donna Marie Laino, RN

Humor - Speed Limit of Sex

What's the speed limit of sex?

Sixty-eight -- at 69, you have to turn around



Laugh a lot today!

Donna Marie Laino, RN